Ask Nene | Careers, Weddings and Love

Q- I just got hired at a great company (last week). The salary and benefits are great, the location is perfect and there’s growth for me there. Today, the HR department at my dream job emailed me an offer. Their offer isn’t as great as what I was offered at my new job, but they say that there’s tremendous growth potential . What do I do? Take my dream job or stay comfortable where I am? HELP.

A- Hey there! First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! Before stressing out about what to do, take a second, take it all in and be proud of yourself :). Now, to me this is a no brainer… go for the DREAM JOB. I’m assuming you call it the Dream Job because it’s something you are passionate about? Going with that assumption, let me say it again… GO FOR THE DREAM JOB. Our generation tends to want everything right now, lots of money, convenience, status etc… without necessarily having to work super hard for it. We are a bunch of entitled little brats. Yes, I said it. I really think if you go with the comfortable option, you will end up like the majority of us, going to work everyday like machines, spending your money on material things and ultimately being really bored and hollow individuals. You may not be getting what you want right about now with the dream job, but you have the most important thing which is PASSION. “If you do something you are passionate about, you will not work a day in your life” – they say. I’m 100% confident that you will be taking full advantage of those growth opportunities they are talking about because you are passionate about it! So there is no reason why you will remain stuck. And remember, no situation is ideal. Finding the perfect job and the perfect situation is virtually impossible, so you have to be patient. But again, go with the dream job!!! We spend so much time at work that it really is a shame to do something that doesn’t fulfill or make you happy. You will be dying a little bit on the inside and Mondays will be worst for you than for the rest of us. And you may also become an alcoholic… and wine gets more expensive each year… anyways, CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN!!!!

Q- I figured since you’re African you can help me with this issue. My fiance and I just got engaged and are planning our wedding. We’re financing everything ourselves and have a strict budget. Both our parents have a long list of demands (guests, location…). How do we tell them that we can’t fulfill their demands due to our tight budget without causing uproar?
A- Hello there! Wow I keep congratulating people today. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT! I’m 47% sure you won’t become a statistic :). Now… One solution would be for you guys to make it a Destination Wedding and choose a location where it would be hard for the family, the extended family and friends of friends of the extended family to show up to. It’s cold I admit it, but it would solve a lot of problems. Just make sure you DO send all of the aforementioned an invitation, to avoid the uproar and the hurt feelings etc. If that is not an option, why won’t you ask for your families to pitch in? I know it’s not unusual in my country, I’m not sure how it is in your cultures… If having your families pitch in is not an option, then they will have to abide by your wishes, because… well… it’s your wedding and not theirs. Ok I’m saying it for the principle of it but we all know that African weddings really are our parents weddings. Sometimes you don’t even need to show up. That leaves one option.. honesty. Your parents mean well, and they do not want to have you bankrupt after your wedding. If that happens, your odds at being a statistic are increasing by 15% my dear. The main cause of divorce is financial problems…and chores. I wish I were joking but I’m not. You do not want to start your married life with financial woes. It’s not cute. Explain that to your parents. In the end, they mean well. And if you can, let them have some say in the guest list, we all know the funniest guests are the ones who are surprised they even got invited to the wedding and are Yolo-ing it all night. Laughter guaranteed. Congrats again!!!

Q- Do I give my ex girlfriend a second chance? She cheated on me with her ex and apologized a million times. I feel like she’s the love of my life, but don’t know if I can trust her again.
A- Hello there friend. First of all, I’m really sorry to hear about what your (ex)girlfriend did. It seriously sucks. Here’s my issue, she cheated with her ex. Not a random. When it comes to stupid decisions (and WE ALL MAKE SOME), in my book, cheating with a stranger is a forgivable offense, because there isn’t necessarily an emotional attachment. So the fact that she cheated with her ex made me cringe a little. Now her reasoning for cheating is important here. Was it more about the ex than it was about you? Was it more about you than it was about the ex? Was it more about her than it was about any of you guys? There are two other points I would like to address here:
1. The Love of your life? Why do you say that? Habit? I honestly think we have more than one soul mates in life. I suggest you really ask yourself, what makes her so irreplaceable. What makes you so sure that she’s your other half, your person, the one you will trust with your soul? That takes me to my second point.
2. TRUST. The tricky thing about trust is that it takes a while to build and the stupidest mistake (or a series of mistakes) can just destroy it. Once that happens, it is almost impossible to rebuild, and if you do, it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of work. Are you both willing to do that work? Honestly, I think trust is more important than love. I will be straight with you, there is a very real possibility that you will never trust her again, and by trying to rebuild that trust, you will not be doing yourself a favour, because you will not have given yourself the chance to actually be in a trustworthy relationship. The soundtrack of your relationship will sound like Beatrice Elie’s “Trust Issues” – Pretty dope song when you’re not hurting.
Lastly, just because you think it’s your soul mate doesn’t mean you can be with her. That trust factor is not there anymore. So you might want to make peace with the fact that you won’t love anyone like you love her.. and move on to being with someone that you may love less but that you can actually be with. Just because two people love each other doesn’t mean they actually are compatible. But ultimately, if you truly believe that it really is a mistake, then give it another shot. People make mistakes, all relationships take work, just know that the trust issue is an uphill battle you will be taking on. I wish you the very best though, whatever you decide… do right by you.

1 Comment

  1. meesheebrowne
    August 21, 2015 / 11:50 am

    Hi, i connected with an old co-worker friend recently.  I worked with them almost 20 yrs ago and would randomly bump into him from time to time.  I always felt this person was very much into me as i could see it feel it (lol) however i never took them seriously because at the time i felt they were young and more in player-ish mode and  I then eventually got married (divorced now).  Last year, closer to year end,  for some reason this person was heavy on my mind and i end up bumping into them one morning while on my way to work.  I found it to be very strange as i just thought about them, and he nor I ever take that way into work (could it be destiny).  Anyway, we exchanged contact info and have been seeing each other ever since (10 mos).  At first, he came off as very polite/respectful said and done a lot of wonderful things and after 5 mos of dating we decided to take relationship to next level and became intimate/physical.  I can honestly say we both enjoy being with each other in that way, however since then the dynamics of our relationship has taken a turn and is based solely on sex (4 mos now).  I know he’s very busy (owns company, loads of traveling, juggling visits with child), however i’m a firm believer that people make time for what they desire.  My intentions are to pull away as i don’t see the relationship going anyway but I just can’t and give into anytime he calls and invites me over.  I’m so confused.  Any advise on what I should do would be greatly appreciated.